When I’m alone I feel cold. I shiver as there is no heat in my body, no warmth, no Love. I curl up on my bed under the covers, I hold myself in my arms, but no matter what I do, I’m cold and shivering. I don’t like to be alone; it makes me feel as though of a waste of space. I think that no one would want a cold, non-soul-love body. Who would want that? Tell me if you know, so I don’t feel so alone. I creep alone in the dark at night looking at everyone with their warm soft bodies of Love. When I cry, I don’t tear; I don’t have water running down my face. I try to cry… but I can’t, why can’t I cry myself to sleep anymore? Is it because I’m a lifeless human, with no soul, warmth, Love body? I walk down the streets at night in the pitch black dark. Sometimes I fall down and get wet and dirty but I don’t care, I just get back up and keep walking, searching for someone who would want me. Every time I come back home, back into my dark room that is always warm but never seems to warm me. My family would leave food out my door but I don’t eat. I never feel hungry for food, but yet I feel hungry for something more, more than food and more then warmth…it is…Love…I think. It is Love I feel for and hope. But I know I’ll never find it. I sit in my room day after day painting hearts of love on my walls, looking up into space. I try to cry myself to sleep but I usually don’t. I listen to dark sad music. One day I felt like dyeing, so I took a knife in the middle of my room and started to cut myself all over. My blood dripped all over my floor and bed, I loved the color of it. I kited cutting myself more and more making blood spill down my body. Soon I lost too much blood and passed out on my floor making a loud “THUD.” As I layer on the floor still bleeding, I heard screams running around in my head. I laughed as though they felt almost cries for help…..I liked it and I layer there dead on my floor. I had thought I had died but I didn’t, I felt sad now… I woke up to water on my bed, it felt warm. I opened my eyes to find my family and friends crying above me, I asked “Why is everyone crying? Tell me, please” they act though I was a whisper in the room. No one could hear me. What was I going to do? I started at everyone still wondering why. As I stared up at everyone crying over my bed, I started to feel sad because everyone was crying and would not tell me why. The clock kept ticking, minutes passed as I became worried. Soon I got paranoid, I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow me. Everyone stopped crying and looked down at me with wide eyes; their mouths feel open in shock. I asked “Whets wrong? Why is everyone crying? And why am I in the hospital? I’m scared. Someone please tell me…” As everyone still at me with wide eyes and mouth, more of their tears started fall form their eyes. More minutes asses as everyone just looked at me and cried. Soon I heard a voice calling my name, saying that they were worried about me. I looked around the room and saw my friend Jesse kneeled down by my side. I haven’t seen him in a few years since he moved away on business. The first thing that came into my mind was “Why is he here? Why is he crying by my side?” I had to know so I asked him. Jesses said in reply “I’m here because I was worried about you, and I’m crying because you almost died, the doctors had to give you more blood, you cutter yourself pretty bad dumbbell.” I frowned at everyone as I closed my eyes and said ” Why couldn’t I die, why did everyone have to save me?” Then everyone just looked at me with wet eyes. I heard another voice, it said “Because we care about you” I turned my head to see my brother speaking now, and then more voices started saying things like “We do care. We love you.” As I heard everyone saying those things I became sad because I made everyone cry because of me. I started saying to everyone “I’m so sorry everyone, I made you all cry, and I made you shed such pretty tears for me. Why didn’t you just let me die? Why?!” As I was saying that I started feel water run down my cold cheeks. I touched my face and found out that I was crying myself… but I didn’t know why. Was it because everyone else was crying? Because they all said they loved me? Why, how could I cry? My body started to feel all warm inside as I cried. As the room was silent but all you could hear are tears dropping to the floor. I didn’t like it, now that I was still “alive” and crying with a warm body this time, I knew my life has changed. I would have to change my life back the way it was. I told everyone to leave the room so I could rest. Now that I was alone again thinking of what to do now, how to change back. What was left of the old me? The cold me? I sat on my bed longer still thinking when I heard a knock on my door. I said “Come in…Its open… Like the rest of me…” I looked toward the door to see my old friend Jessestanding in the doorway with a smirk. I wondered why he was still here, and with a smirk on his face. I didn’t like that either. I said to Jesse ” Whats up? I thought everyone already left.” But Jesse didn’t answer right away, he just walked up to my bed and held my hand. Soon Jesse did answer, he said ” Nothing much just worried about you, trying to think of a way to ask you to marry me after so long, the usual. Yes everyone did leave but me. I’m going to stay with you untill you don’t want me anymore.” I laid there with my mouth open in shock. “You want me to marry you…?” I said to Jesse. Then Jesse got on one knee and held out a rose with a ring in the middle of it and asked ” Nikki will you marry me?” He just smilied at me, as I soon felt more tears running down my face as I blushed a light shade of pink. My body felt warm again, but another type of warm, like someone was holding me and never letting go. It felt like….Love…As the words fell out of my mouth I said ” Yes, I will marry you Jesse.” Then Jesse took my ring finger and slided the ring on my finger. He held me tightly as if I was floating but not falling. I liked this feeling. I don’t feel cold anymore…I can live happy now. I’m free from my curse of alonelyness, the cold, and pain. I cried in Jesses arms saying ” I’m free…Thank you.” On that day love had been set forever.
Dinner
The time was four ol’ clock PM i was in the middle of cooking dinner. Tonights chosen was sushi freshly made, i learned this skill back when i visited some friends of mine in southwest Asia in Singapore. theirs names are Melty and Triana along with their new born son.
unfinished
Wonder
How can I say what I feel into words
this, that, when, and why floating through my mind
where does the story start, where does the story end
this, that, when, and why
why couldn’t I just pick up a pen and write that
this is back when I was young
when my mind was full of wonder
Pen to the paper
I can write with such ease
Star Light
Sunshine beaming down upon us
lighting our way to the future
hand in hand we walk
fighting every obstacle we shall face
to be together is all that counts
if you love me I’ll love you
time passing through the years
star light star bright surrounding
calling one another name
into a deep sleep we go
hand in hand
Life
What if I were to tell you I was abused, not physically just mentally. Would you even care to help me? Some people call it whining or complaining and blaming others rather than myself. Since I was young I’d be called names, picked on and laughed at just because I was different body shape compared to everyone else. I’d make the best of it though, be outgoing, ignore the commentary, be happy, try to make friends and be there for those who came to me. I’ve always been called a mother hen just because I care so much about others rather then myself. This is my escape goat. I try to be sweet and show that I care, yes I do honestly care but it’s more for the reason I don’t want others to feel what I have felt. My parents wouldn’t care what I do unless it was something hurting them. I could sneak out of my house to go and party with people, kids my age thought this was cool, hell I thought it was cool. In the end I knew it wasn’t I just tried to hide the real feelings of it. My parents didn’t care enough to protect me, teach me wrong from right. Figuring this out on my own was tough but after years of going through it I learned fast. Willpower helped me stay alive to keep going. I dropped out of school when I was 16 because everyday I would wake up an intense migraine would erupt in my skull, or I’d feel like no one and think it wasn’t worth to go. I was a straight A student to the point my teachers asked for me, when I’d be coming back. I attended night school for a little over a month possibly but in just that short about of time my grades were better then anyone else I was top of the class once again. Teachers I never met before until then even asked for me back because I did my best. In the end it became to much so I left entirely. I realize it’s my own fault that I couldn’t blame anyone not even my family for not caring enough to not push into finishing. This was my decision that I live with everyday. I missed a lot on life, no prom, no graduation day, no parties, no friends who stayed. When I was nine years old I started to work in a carvel store that was all about ice cream because my mother worked there, I started training then and once i was four-teen I’d start to get real pay instead of just tips. Starting out early helped me mature into a women compared to a just a simple girl. Even though working gave me an edge to build off, the real difficulties in life were my family. I have five older brothers indicating me the youngest and the only girl. You would think since I was the baby of the family I’d be spoiled right? Dead wrong my friend, dead wrong. My oldest brother has been doing drugs since he was four-teen years old, over the years he had gotten worse with using different types. He is now the age of thirty-two and has died four times in his life time so far because of drugs. The last time he died was in 2013 that day he was a “friend” doing heroine, she left him on the couch to die slowly over the night until my mother went to go get him since he never came home. She made it in time for him to die officially in her arms , she pulled him into the shower giving CPR to keep him alive. He was brain dead for five minutes, if she never came and gave him CPR he would be dead for good. The doctors said he would be disabled and worse if she wasn’t there, now this day and age he is fine after he had a couple months of recovery. When you first saw him he wasn’t the same, that trauma can never let you go back to how you were, yet some how he is. Throughout those days I continued to work along with the rest of the family, even the day after he was in the hospital just to prove how normal it is for me. This was my daily life and I dealt with it. Years ago it was much worse with the house hold, brothers fighting, cops being called to my house every night. In all honestly I would never have gotten through it if I didn’t have one person who loved me, he was always there for me. Even though we parted for three years, now back together it feels as though that time never took place.
I use to live in NY but I recently moved to IL but as I was leaving my mother wouldn’t accept it and said to me if i leave she wants nothing to do with me. She wouldn’t even say goodbye or call me as I drove there, not a word. She’s always doing things like this that make me feel as though I never belonged. Even on Christmas I was lied to, she said for my present she’d give me $200 since I didn’t want any actually gifts, just money to save up. She bought my brothers what ever they wanted including gift cards, play station, new glasses and so on. I never received my gift. Being singled out in a large a family isn’t unheard of, being that loner in the family is something I always remember. Little things such as that would sooner or later rip my heart out fully if I wasn’t cold inside. After years and years of this crap you tend to get past it but it’s hard. Simple enough.
Mask
Stiff still face
not a smile or frown
shadows creeping over your eyes
white as a ghost you are,
speak a little as you walk
hey here and there, what’s up?
nothing but a fake
her soul is silent
sinking deeper,deeper, and deeper
pulling over a mask
stiff still face
not a smile or frown
hidden shadows under the mask
Free Spirit
They same I’m strange. They say I’m crazy. They say…wait what do I care what they say? My soul burns with passion that those people just can’t seem to understand. Fire dancing within these eyes as a wryly smile creeps upon my face. If you think hard enough, an aura may appear wrapped around my frame glowing hot. I can sense this may scare you, but in the end the urge to find out more about what I truly am over powers. Tell me what I should do, when I should do it, HOW I should do it; I’ll just laugh in your face and walk away. I do as I please. Tell me who I should love, I’ll break your own heart and devour it. Tell me what I should do with my life, I’ll end yours and use it as an excuse of how I have more then one. I do as I please. If you think I’ll be just like you, you’re dead wrong. I could be anything, but I am everything. I do as I please.
Bliss
His finger tips caressing my body
Our lips meeting into a tender kiss
The steam is rising to the air
All I can hear is the whispers of our love
Pleading, Begging for him to never leave
He jerks intense furry into my hips
Calling my body closer
I knew this time would come
The day we would make love
Our bodies engulfed with passion
Sweet Bliss floods our hearts
Becoming one
From Aly to Brandie
ZOMG! So yah. hai brandie. yu are at the Fire Department thingy having fuuuuuun.\
lol. im juss chillin, doin mah photography project. Yo we gota chillzz
more often. Im jammin out to mah ringtones right now. But like theres
whistling people in my ringtones n it sounds real so its like madd
creepy.
So, i juss wanah say that yuhr super epic. and if yu remebered those
times that we were like madd drunk in the pit and all of us got naked
and shit. ahhh man that was the shit. fo sho. or when we first got high
togetha. ooo man i was flying. I was fuckin randy jackson and spongebob
combined. And i caught a star. And jessica fucking stole my last
cigarette n i was so pissed. And then it was raining. and we had to
put our phones on our vaginas. lol. that was so much fun. or when
yu wuld give us free ice cream at carvel. oh em gee, remember at
biglots a while ago. yu hav to go to the bathroom. so yu went under
the big truck thing. or when we used to go to Tiki Action Park and
go cart n shit. ahhh so much fun. Now we hav new memories. Denny’s ;]
We got random ass shit. All i can say is, yuhr amazing and i looove
yuuuuuuu.
lawlz. Love, Aly
– I know you may never read this but after reading this so much I can’t stop laughing, the memories we shared were epic but I do think you got forgot the main details. Jessica was the one who went under the truck, and when we got drunk that one time you’re missing the part how the rhinos and animals came from the trees. Even though it was never real our minds were just so fucked up that night, those partying days were to good. Every now and then we talk but we lost touch not sure who fault it is but I suppose it’s for the best; the crazy days are in the past. Goodbye old friend.
-Brandie
You
I cannot be with a man who only thinks of himself.
I cannot be with a man who loves himself, not I.
I cannot be with a man who sees only himself, not I.
I cannot be with a man who is you.
The tears will not stop with the final goodbye.
The tears will not stop with the three words.
The tears will not stop with I Love You.
The tears will not stop when I am with you.
My heart aches when I am with you.
My heart aches when I see you.
My heart aches when I do not hear you.
My heart aches just being able to touch you.
How old am I really? Edition 2
Growing up creates more difficulties in your life,
fear some like the wildlife.
Emerging situations,
Helping or even making things worsen.
Grandmothers and Grandfathers, our elders,
all went through the tough times with errors.
Spaced out within years,
with the shed of tears.
My life as child during a rootless war,
growing up to fast leaving a scar.
Five years of age fighting in the American Revolution,
the past is darken.
Some say I’ve grown up far to fast,
everything is now a blast in the past
Motionless in time at my age,
now trapped in a locked cage.
Each day that passes bye my eyes,
please listen to my cries.
More years being added every day,
it’s still only May.
My heart and mind is being crushed,
words from my mouth are hushed.
I am young,
but do not blend with who I am among.
I’m only sixteen years old
I feel, act, and look twenty years of age ready to unfold.
How old am I really?
FlyinFree's Writings 